The Deter's: This is Where my Big Brother Lives

It has officially been over a year since I have blogged, so I thought I might give it a shot again. I am not sure how long this will last, however I really missed the journal like outlet my blog provides for me.

I absolutely LOVE the Christmas season!!!! It really does bring me so much joy! At the same time I tend to feel a little heavy hearted around this time of year. December 13 is the anniversary of my brothers passing. It has been a very long time since he passed away therefore most years, while I do miss him very much, I usually feel strong and ok. However, this past year, while it has definitely been wonderful for the most part, we've seen and been around a lot of tragedy, therefore probably why I've been feeling a little more heavy hearted around his anniversary.

I was at my parents house the other night and my Dad pulled out a clipping from a newspaper and asked me if I remembered it. It was a poem I wrote about my brother when I was in 5th grade. We were required to write a poem about a person and honestly I can't remember what poetry style we were supposed to use. Anyways, as you'd imagine I completely lost it as I read the poem. When so much time passes you tend to forget those feelings, especially feelings that you felt as a 9 year old (I was 9 when it happened, but 11 when I wrote the poem). I told Matt that as I read it my heart broke and I felt like I was mourning for my 11 year old self, if that makes sense. I do LOVE the poem. It was therapeutic for me to read it and relive those memories. I love the honesty of a child. The poem is raw and truly how I felt and I love how sensors on a child simply do not exist. When I wrote this poem in 5th grade my parents sent it to my Uncle Chuck and he had it published in the newspaper. That meant the world to me. Here is the poem:

This is Where My Big Brother Lives

My brother lives in heaven, going on
a mission, teaching people what is true
I love him so and hope to see him soon.

This is where my big brother lives
His shell lies deep in the earth, sleeping peacefully
His body is stiff and cold and very pale.

That is where my big brother lives
Sometimes I wish I was dead instead of him
He was handsome you see the girls went wild for him.

He was kind and fine. I will see him again.
No one can hold me back from seeing my big brother
I remember lots of things we did together, but now
The memories are starting to fade away.

My parents said we might adopt a child and give
Him or her loving care
I will love him or her as if they were related to me

But deep in my sad heart will be my brother waiting for me.
I know I will see my brother again.

When I see boys playing basketball, football
I see my brother staring at me. I have visions of my brother
when I am reading and in my dreams.

When he was on earth I thought he was an
Angel, sent down from heaven.
He was my best friend and he always
will be.

He was smart, kind, handsome, exciting, athletic.
There is lots more,
But I never could describe how terrific my brother was.

But now I have nobody to depend on. Nobody to go places with.
Nobody to beat up and complain and cry on.

When we are driving far I will have no one’s shoulder to sleep
on. Nobody to bribe or threaten. Nobody to scare or make fun of.
But he will still be my best friend and stay in my heart forever.

-Marcie Peach

Editor’s note: Marcie Peach, the niece of Weiser resident Charles Mainelli, wrote the above poem when she was 11 years old. It was dedicated to her brother, Nicholas, who passed away in December 1993. Marcie lives in Southern California.
Charles Mainelli, who submitted the poem to the Signal American, said he did so “to show that there are still good young people.”

It is difficult and so painful to see innocent, beautiful little children being taken before their time. One of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is, "But little ^achildren are alive in Christ." I've found so much comfort by reading these words and various talks that I highly, highly recommend. The first talk is about why we experience trials and the second is about loss of a child. Click here and here for the complete talks.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from those talks:

-Why we experience trials: "These fiery trials are designed to make you stronger, but they have the potential to diminish or even destroy your trust in the Son of God and to weaken your resolve to keep your promises to Him. These trials are often camouflaged, making them difficult to identify. They take root in our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities, our sensitivities, or in those things that matter most to us. A real but manageable test for one can be a fiery trial for another. -Elder Niel Anderson

-Isaiah 55:8-9: “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. …
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”¹⁷

-This man lost his 8 month old child and here is an excerpt of his experience (This is from the 2nd talk):

It is impossible to describe the mixture of feelings that I had at that point in my life. Most of the time I felt as if I were in a bad dream and that I would soon wake up and this terrible nightmare would be over. For many nights I didn’t sleep. I often wandered in the night from one room to the other, making sure that our other children were all safe.

Feelings of guilt racked my soul. I felt so guilty. I felt dirty. I was his father; I should have done more to protect him. If only I would have done this or that. Sometimes even today, 22 years later, those feelings begin to creep into my heart, and I need to get rid of them quickly because they can be destructive.

However, tormenting thoughts continued to plague me, and I soon began to feel anger. “This isn’t fair! How could God do this to me? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” I even felt myself get angry with people who were just trying to comfort us. I remember friends saying, “I know how you feel.” I would think to myself, “You have no idea how I feel. Just leave me alone.” I soon found that self-pity can also be very debilitating. I was ashamed of myself for having unkind thoughts about dear friends who were only trying to help.

As I felt the guilt, anger, and self-pity trying to consume me, I prayed that my heart could change. Through very personal sacred experiences, the Lord gave me a new heart, and even though it was still lonely and painful, my whole outlook changed. I was given to know that I had not been robbed but rather that there was a great blessing awaiting me if I would prove faithful.

I know all of us are feeling sorrowful for the recent tragedies that have taken place in CT especially. I hope these words offer comfort because they sure have for me. I am incredibly grateful to know that Christ, the Son of God died for all our sins and all our sorrows and that we can find rest if we simply have faith in him and place our trust and grief in his hands. I KNOW I will see my Big Brother again!!!!!

Now for pictures: