I feel like I am drowning.

I know this may be totally unnecessary and whiney of me to post here, but I really felt the need to, so sorry if I depress everyone, but I needed to vent somewhere.

I have been so torn lately. Sometimes I feel like we really just can’t win, but on the other hand I am so incredibly blessed and really should feel like I have nothing to complain about. I’ve really tried to keep positive, I really have, but there are moments where I feel like I have lost it and just can’t handle it and I want to just stand in the middle of the street and SCREAM!

When Matt lost his job in UT it was a little freaky. It was when we were trying to get pregnant, and we were not pregnant quite yet. I have to say that it was a blessing that we were not quite yet, due to the lack of insurance. We received no severance package, so that kinda sucked, but we were going to be ok. Matt quickly got a job offer in NM about two months after losing his job. So, sweet for the job offer, but suck, NM, are you kidding me.? We went and checked it out and while the scenery is nothing to be desired the people were absolutely AMAZING! So, onto NM right, a new start, a better job, and a bigger house to rent and definitely pretty low cost of living. We were there two months. I was still struggling a little, feeling a little lonely, but trying to keep my head up. We found out we were preggo there and we were happy since our insurance would kick in after 30 days of Matt’s job.

It’s now Nov. and hubby comes home early, he lost his job AGAIN. This was after working there for 2 months. Crap, no insurance now, what will I do for this poor baby on the way. Madeline, what if she gets sick, what should we do? It will work out, it always does, right??? My amazing husband gets on the phone immediately looking for jobs. I go home to CA to hang out with the fam in the mean time and wait for what is to come. Matt interviews EVERYWHERE; NM, UT, CA. He gets two offers in CA. SSSSSSWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTT! Life is looking good, that has always been my dream to move back to where both of us are from and be with our families and live near the beach and raise my children with some diversity.

However, the job is not quite the money that we need to live in such an EXPENSIVE state. We’ll take it anyway, cuz Matt will excel at it, we will get insurance and we can stay with my parents for a while till we save up some dough.

My parents then find this short sale that I think that we can afford. We go for it!!! Wow, a house in CA! So expensive by comparison to our previous places we lived, but doable and worth it in the long run. The house is a short sale, so it needs some TLC. We anticipated the basics, but as we got into it there was A LOT more work than anticipated. CRAP, can we afford this? We ended up doing a lot of the work ourselves to save money, but still it was SO much more than we ever would have expected.

However, I can’t even begin to explain the INCREDIBLE generosity that we received from Matt’s friends, my parents and Matt’s parents. Friends and fam were constantly coming over to help paint and help with the work and moving and everything. I did not feel that we were worthy of so much generosity. How could I complain about anything, considering what everyone has done for us? I want to pay everyone back and thank them so much, but WE CAN’T and it bugs me so much.

We are about to have a baby in like 2 weeks and I am just not happy. Matt’s boss is being a total butt about things. She chooses him out of everyone to pretty much threaten his job and make life miserable everyday and make him feel like he is not doing good enough. He works soooooooooooo hard. He is an amazing, patient husband, an incredible father, and will do anything to provide for his family. I keep thinking, “why him, why does he deserve to feel like his job is on the line everyday, why can’t he catch a break?” I tell Matt that I want to kick his boss in the crotch. Sorry so blunt, but it is true. It’s ok though, maybe they just see his amazing potential, and so they are working him even harder to bring that out. As much as I DISAGREE with bossing someone by fear, maybe that is there way and we need to be humble and deal with the situation with patience.

Our expenses seem to keep adding up. The shower head plumbing piece (sorry I am a girl and this is how I explain things I don’t understand) just breaks in half and it is so corroded we can’t get it out. No shower now. We need a plumber, but he would have to tear down the entire wall to fix it. SO EXPENSIVE! Our air conditioning doesn’t work, we don’t even own a kitchen table, Maddie needs a mattress for her big girl bed, we need to renew out Costco membership cuz Maddie needs more diapers, we need a double stroller and many other new baby things, oh and we need to pay for the baby itself when she arrives in the hospital. HOW IS ALL THIS POSSIBLE? Everything will be ok though; Matt will make some commission’s cuz he is working so hard, right? Matt mentions to me that night that maybe I will have to go back to work. I was overwhelmed with sadness when he said that to me. I feel VERY strongly about being a SAHM (Stay at home Mom). Mentally and emotionally it is wearing on me, but I know it is what is right and this time is for my kids and not for me. I decided to bring them into the world and therefore need to make it possible for them to be raised by the person that brought them here and for them to feel all the love that I can possibly contain inside for them. I don’t care if we can’t afford everything that I would want to, I brought them here and I will make this world the best for them that it can possibly be and try my hardest to set an admirable example. I could go off on this subject for hours, but that will suffice.

We wake up the next morning in our brand new house and community and both of our cars are gone; they towed them. $500 to get them out. My WONDERFUL neighbor from church lets me borrow her car seat, since that was in the car. My amazing Dad zooms over and drives us everywhere, so that we can have cars for the day till we get our cars released.

Do you see how I am torn? Look at all the blessings I have. I have the most incredible fam and extended fam. I have an amazing husband and a daughter who brings light everywhere that she goes. I have another bundle of joy on the way. We have the best friends who are there for us WHENEVER we need them. People from church are constantly calling and coming up to us to see how they can help. Really I have nothing to complain about. I HATE, HATE feeling sorry for myself.

Yet at the same time I still feel like I am drowning. Did I do something wrong, is Heavenly Father angry with me and all the difficult stuff that has happened was well deserved? Is he testing me to make sure that I will keep the faith? I feel so scared to bring another child into this world. I can barely balance life right now. Can I balance two kids? Can I give them the amount of love and attention they really deserve? Can we make ends meat here? Should I have never pushed the topic of living here in CA? Matt was willing to do anything to make me happy and did I just put him in a bad position and we ended up here and dug ourselves into a hole we cannot get out of?

Please do not feel sorry for me, or feel that I need a handout in anyway. Please also do not judge me and think that well, it was all your bad decisions that have lead you here and these are the consequences you have to pay. I was just looking for a place to vent and a listening ear. Some understanding I guess, cuz I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way, but I do and needed to vent a little. I will ALWAYS keep my faith though and I KNOW that Heavenly Father always has our best interest at heart. Sometimes it is hard for me to understand what he has in store for us, but it has and will always work out if we stay strong, obedient and faithful.

Thanks for letting me vent and SO SORRY for the LLLLOOOOONNNNNNGGG post.

Feel free to vent w/me. I love to hear others stories, especially right now. Not that I hope anyone is passing through any difficulties. Don’t worry either, I know that the majority of people are probably enduring much more difficult hardships than me, I am not that vain, however, again, I just needed to vent.